?? The RNC, yeah you know me. | Main | Elephant Mating Season ??
Many of the below fashions are eyewitness accounts from an evening in Hell's Kitchen on the eve of the eve of the GOP convention. I had Zulu on my netflix at the time, and was halfway through watching it when I left for the bars. So I can attest that the look of panicked embattlement was similar in both cases. And who can blame 'em? They were stuck north of Chelsea and South of Clinton. Anyway, here's some of the lessons learned.
How to dress like a Republican Hipster? Four words: Some Like it Hot.
Tony Curtis dresses, somewhat explicably, as a rich man of ambiguous sexuality halfway through the film.1 This, with various modifications, is to be the model for the Republican hipster:
- Blue blazer, the black chanel of the white elite. Duh.
- An ascot is optional, depending on whether you run Log Cabin or Aunt Jemima, if you catch our drift.
- Avoid the Hornrimmed glasses, opting instead for lenscrafters issue black wireframe. A rounded frame is preferable to the squared-off 1987 Jeffrey Dahmer aviators, and fully circular is acceptible as long as it doesn't skew too Tom Courtenay / John Lennon. Ligaments should be above the midpoint of the lens.
- Ironic Captain Cap is the perfect way to signal the ambiguity of your relationship to the Northeast elite. (Consider in comparison to the liberal hipster's ironic trucker cap, in which blue collar thrift is held as virtue, taste as kitsch.)Use sparingly however -- this season, references to the Navy are considered gauche.
- Accoutrement: Cigars, Brandy. They go great with the free hot dogs.
Women, don't despair. Some Like It Hot also offers a model for the hipster Republican, Jack Lemmon:
- Pink.
- Pearls. Vintage, if possible. Heirloom, even better.
- Black shoes with your pink dress, evocative of the porcine, will have the boars squealing for more. But stillettos will make you look trampy. Let Ann Coulter take that one for the team.
- Nothing says "don't ask me, I'm just a girl" like a weak chin. Hide the physiognomic suggestion of assertiveness with a chin-strapped flapper hat. A larger-gauge pearl necklace will further the effect.
- Avoid fur, because A) It's August and B) Some of our more militant vegans, bless their little hearts, like to throw paint.
- Did we mention pink?
1Don't bother feigning impotence to gain the affections of a bombshell. You'll get handed a bottle of viagra, thanks to the endorsements of your elder statesmen. Besides, it's much more in-line with the party platform to use bombshells to mask impotence.
