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Pearls Before Swine, or: How to dress like a Republican Hipster
Many of the below fashions are eyewitness accounts from an evening in Hell's Kitchen on the eve of the eve of the GOP convention. I had Zulu on my netflix at the time, and was halfway through watching it when I left for the bars. So I can attest that the look of panicked embattlement was similar in both cases. And who can blame 'em? They were stuck north of Chelsea and South of Clinton. Anyway, here's some of the lessons learned.
How to dress like a Republican Hipster? Four words: Some Like it Hot.
Continue reading "Pearls Before Swine, or: How to dress like a Republican Hipster"
If you lived here, you'd be voting for Kerry right now
Gothamist has some photos of the LaGuardia approach protest signs.
PKE readings inexplicably surging in Midtown Manhattan
GBHQ - Friday, August 27th - The Ghostbusters issued a press release this morning, noting a disturbing surge in Parakinetic Energy throughout the borough of Manhattan, with particularly high concentrations surrounding the Madison Square Garden complex, and much of the west side of lower Midtown. While no cause is known, the phenomenon is thought to be a portent of something wicked this way coming. As such, the area supernatural terror alert has been raised to Orange.
Continue reading "PKE readings inexplicably surging in Midtown Manhattan"
The Kingdom of Loathing
Finally, the appropriate level of absurdity has been applied to a MUD. The Kingdom of Loathing uses meat as a currency, turtles as helmets, and you may just find yourself attacked by elbow macaroni. Other than that, it's a lot like the adventure games of yore, the sort that one would play on a 2400 baud modem circa 1987. Enjoy!
"Swift boats for Truth" Form New 527
NEW LONDON, CT - August 22, 2004
A new 527 called "Swift Boats for Truth" will be airing a new pro-Kerry commercial in select markets this weekend, say sources in the Democratic party.
The ad will prominently feature Swiffie the Li'l Riverboat, who served under Kerry, and is in a unique position to discredit the recent SwiftVet ads claiming discrepancies in the official record of Kerry's service.
Continue reading ""Swift boats for Truth" Form New 527"
Hey, Hey, LBJ, How many slacks would you like today?
Montaigne writes, "Upon the highest throne in the world, we are seated, still, upon our asses." And with that in mind, enjoy this transcript of LBJ ordering pants. There's audio too, if you want to hear the presidential burp. Funniest thing I've read and heard all week. [Via MoFi.]
Rock Me, Johann
And when you get tired of Castrati, try Bach on 6 String Bass. Via Boblog, an excellent resource which promises to provide ample synthesis of cheese, bass, and computer-generated animation.
Space: It's a good thing.
This page is devoted to placing Martha Stewart in Star Trek scenarios. Well those spaceships were a little bachelor-paddish.
Today's Talking Point: "Lost his cool"
Today Scott McClellan said that Kerry "Lost his cool" when accusing the Bush administration of funding those batshit swift boat guys. So now we have a flipflopping extreme makeover guy who loses his cool. Sounds pretty shrill, doesn't it?
Well, I figure the idea of losing cool raises some important questions:- How much cool should a presidential candidate have?
- Would Scott McClellan know cool if it bit him on the ass?
- Should cool be placed in a lockbox to keep it from spend-happy congress? Or would it have to be kept in a refrigerator?
- Are there any circumstances in which Republican womens' hair could be considered cool? I'm thinking maybe in an ironic trucker hat sense.
Well at any rate, an analysis of their comparative cool:
Exhibit 1: Thumbs-up comparison
Both compare equally unfavorably with the reference thumbs-up, Fonzie from Happy Days. Coolness demands that the thumbs-up must be no farther than 5 inches from the chest.
Exhibit 2: Motorcycle Pose
Sorry Kerry, but that's what we call "trying too hard". Motorcycle gangs don't go to Bennegans for an Awesome Blossom. Wear leather. Piss off PETA. Watch your numbers soar.
Bush? Um. Go for it! (we could've showed him falling off, but feel that it really isn't funny.)
CONCLUSIONS:
Side by side comparison of Kerry to Steve McQueen is a harsh reminder that politics is no place for the cool. However, his ability to ride a motorcycle suggests a comfortable lead in vestibular function, possibly a side benefit of flip-flopping. This places Kerry somewhat lower on the cool scale from Clinton, Kennedy, and Eisenhower1, but well above Carter, Nixon, and Coolidge.
Bush, on the other hand, is a retard, and therefore exempt from a coolness rating under the Gump/Corky Sweatpants Amendment of the Americans with Disabilities Act, 1994 USC.
Also, if you want to find pictures of Bush riding the Segway, GISing "Ginger Bush" will lead to an unproductive distraction.
1Eisenhower is deemed cool because he popularized the Eisenhower jacket, which led to the Fonzy jacket.Whorf to Deck 5.. I mean 3... I mean Many...
Linguistics blog Khalision.com has entered the building, and makes this counterargument to this recent hubbub about words for numbers. Take a look, for some of the funniest linguistic writing since Saussure started talking about Mutton.
Red versus Blue (not the machinema)
I should've known this, but I didn't. Due to the way senate seats are 2 per state, a Kansan's senate vote is worth 13 times what a Californian's is. And if that's bad, Wyoming clocks in at 71 Californians. You can see why pandering to the NASCAR set is a political must for the taxbreak-seeking Montgomery Burns type.
I got this little tidbit in the new book The Great Divide, which is available free for download, in pdf. The author argues that the Democratic party should essentially give up on the rural fundamentalist vote, stop posing with corn, and form a centrist coalition based around the values of diversity, technological progress, and multilateralism. It's a helluva read, stronger on analysis than prescription, and I wholeheartedly recommend it, despite their silly advertising strategy.
Blessed are the Cheesemakers
God may not play dice, but his son deals a mean hand of gin rummy. I'd like to believe that these Christian playing cards are actually the snide work of a hipster, but I fear that this page is genuine. In no order, some observations and one liners I considered:
- Go fish!
- Perfect for William Bennett.
- What's the deal with the fire behind the title gif?
- It is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye than to for a Christian to pick up a book on design.
- Blessed are the bookmakers.
- And Noah took two of every suit, in preparation for the royal flush.
Via Fark.
New York is So Cool
This struck me as a little on the nose, as I think upon my arrival I expressed just about every sentiment here. Although, being a midtowner, I seldom get invited to cool parties. And I saw Anna Paquin, not Chloe Sevigny. Via this Sterogum cat, who, according to the song, must be smoking crack...
The one, true, web page
What is the quintessense of the web? Is it flash videos of dancing rodents? Obsessed cosplay afficionados? Bile-spewing polemicists? Scans of sonograms and cats? I submit to you, dear reader, that this obsessive, comprehensive index of chicks in spacesuits is nearest to the Platonic ideal of the website as is humanly possible. It warms the cockles of my heart, in a way that only fake eyelashes through a glass dome can.
Get the creeps again, for the first time.
Michael Dare presents: Five things you never noticed in The Shining. I sent the author a little note pointing out a nugget from one of my professors:
One thing a professor once pointed out: In the bathroom scene with the previous caretaker, the camera switches an exact 180 degrees, moving from one side of the conversation to the other. As I'm sure you're aware, this is a no-no in conventional narrative montage, for precisely the reason that it jumps the actors into each other's location. Of course, that's precisely what Kubrick is saying: the characters are "swapping" places. i.e., Jack becomes the caretaker, or they become interchangable.
Anyway the other 5 are neat too. Enjoy!
Arachne wept!
Ah, Athens. Cradle of Enlightenment. Home of the open forum of ideas. And the Olympics. Whose web-illiterate morons have decided to disallow inbound links as a matter of policy. Some of the folks at Mofi have suggested a campaign of linking to them for that precise reason.
To be fair, their absurdly dumb policy is sort of opt-out; they just tell you if they're disallowing you. But it's still dumb.
Has Kerry stopped beating his wife?
"Tax relief," "protection of marriage", "politics as usual." Who wouldn't fight for relief, or protection, or an end to the usual politics? But they're all examples of how conservatives keep the upper hand by controlling the framing of the question. George Lakoff explains how conservatives are winning the rhetorical war, and what we can do to stop them.
How They See Themselves (in pictures)
On her book tour, Maureen Dowd's been focussing considerable attention on the father / son tensions of W and HW. Her operating metaphor has been Star Wars: W, in this formulation, is Luke Skywalker, and HW is his Good Father, whereas Cheney is Darth Vader.
Formulation:
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says: |
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and |
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and |
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| Young crusader out to restore the old order of his father | Power-obsessed version of his father's order. Needs machines to survive. | Wimpy, kind-hearted, shrivelled part of his father's order |
We wonder what other operating metaphors may lurk in the minds of international public figures:
Continue reading "How They See Themselves (in pictures)"
Do the Lynndie hop
Well they just call it the lynndie. Blackly comic poses via a site called "bad gas".
Porter says he's incompetent for job
Well. That's what he said a few months ago, when he talked to Michael Moore during Farhenheit 9/11 shooting:
It is true I was a case officer, clandestine services officer, and yes, I do understand the core mission of the business. But I couldn't get a job with the CIA today. I am not qualified. I don't have the language skills. You know my language skills were romance languages and stuff. We're looking for Arabists today. I don't have the cultural background probably, and I certainly don't have the technical skills, as my children remind me every day. "Daddy, Daddy, you gotta get better on your computer." And so the things you need to have, I don't have.Maybe he took a sabbatical and took to the books. Or maybe he just has a confidence problem, and he's much smarter than he lets on. Somehow, I doubt it.
Hitchhiker's Guide to New York
If you're of the mobile-web-device persuasion (or even if not), definitely bookmark NY-Wiki. If you are the sort to do a little pro-bono research on your borough, a famous building, or some other New York phenomenon, this is the place to do it. I personally plan to help out as soon as my schedule allows a trip to the mid-manhattan library for some non-web research.
From the Hooves of the Stone Pony
Paradise may be by the "C", but the rest of the Jersey nightlife is clearly devil-affiliated. Mr. Dangle's new blog, Gelatinous Monk, will chronicle the narrator's adventures as a mercenary drummer in countless bar bands, where acid wash meets hemp every Friday night in a precarious beer-fueled alliance. The first installment involves Elks members, testicle display as a method of ending a conversation, and fist fights over Bill Clinton's draft dodging (people are a few years behind in parts of the state). Fantastic reading, and there's lots more to come.
Premature leak lets Al Qaeda get away.
So remember that conveniently timed terror alert and Al Qaeda capture? The one that was mostly put together with old intelligence, glitter, and dried macaroni? Well the release of the name of one captured operative led to the escape of several more operatives, according to this story released today. Apparently Muhammad Naeem Noor Khan was the Islamic extremist version of the nerdy guy in Riptide, and word of his capture sent a signal through the ranks that their email had been exposed. So, those charges of political timing a few weeks ago? Turns out the timing also cost us some serious progress in the war on terror.
Come on man, you've got another seven weeks to go before catching Osama. Think about baseball.
I guess lying gets tiring after a while.
Nothing like a little honesty in politics:
Bush also said high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy because "the really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway."
No, really. He said that. Now, Bush has some experience in dodging taxes by driving his businesses into the ground, but I suspect he means something more like Halliburton's offshore holding companies. I guess moneygrubbing is like booze: criminalizing it only drives it underground.
And according to one Bush supporter:
"I just look at them and smile," she said. "They're damn lucky to be in this country because they would be backslapped if they lived anywhere else. I just pray that they will open their eyes."I guess she missed the whole other-countries-having-democracy craze of the twentieth century. I hear that in Amsterdam, they hate Theresa Heinz so much, they put mayonnaise on their freedom fries.
Lebowskifest: The Square Community Takes Note
Lebowksifest has made the NYT. Front of the website, in fact.
Meet the new Neptunes
All this talk about Tom, I forgot everyone's favorite Ridge, Mid-Atlantic. Scientists, bless their low-maintainence hearts, have come up with some new species for us to boggle over:
The shitcoiler, famous for its striking puce color and complete pointlessness, circles the ocean floor looking for roughage. Its prime sources of food are plankton and malt liquor tossed off cruise ship decks for fallen homies. It was created by Jesus 5,000 years ago to quell accusations that he was a bit of a wet blanket at parties.
Scientists just call this one "chuckles." I've booked a 3:45am nightmare with him next week. He's also available for bad trips and childrens' birthday parties. And nothing says college prank like dropping him in the dean's bathtub. But don't be fooled by his looks. He's actually quite dangerous, and won't think twice about dropping a dime on your gambling problem in exchange for the corner office.
Gefelte Extremis. AKA Ringo, the funny one. Once, when asked about this rare, transparent miracle of the deep, Cousteau said, "you know, I have a life above sea level." This was widely held as evidence that despite his courage, innovation, and countless contributions to science, he was a snotty little bitch.*
Deusexmachina Cameronis can be identified by choral accompaniment and swanky blinkenlights. Also, it's the only deep sea organism known to have a publicist. With advances in CG making life hard for ethereal creatures, however, this bicoastal darling may soon find himself in either an infomercial for acne, or in some of the more creative cable porn.
*Note to google and the humor-deprived: I'm kidding. I love Cousteau.
Disconnecting the dots
And the rebuttal. The very non-brainwashed (considering his namesake) "Winston Smith" of philosoraptor offers this rebuttal on the aforementioned terror / bad news correlation fallacy.
You know, the boys over at juliusblog posted this chart too, showing bush's approval rating and the alerts. And here I really don't see a pattern, but I think I'm onto what makes these so infectious: It's not so much the purported correlations as it is the meticulous indexing of administration bloopers, and in the latter case, their bottomless plummet. One might feel dread and anger with each new scandal, but to see it in timeline form, along with the plummet in public approval? It's as comforting as it is distressing, in that makes us all feel a little less insane, and even suggests that maybe we're not alone in thinking these guys are rotten to the core.
Connecting The Dots
Ever notice how the alert level goes up as soon as bad news about the Bush Administration goes out? A few intrepid bloggers did some research and put together a timeline of major news events in the Bush Whitehouse and Terror alert changes and warnings. Here's the evidence. To be the devil's advocate, this could be a result of correlation fallacy -- after all, the Bush administration fucks something up every week. Still though...
Now they call him Johnny 2005
OpEd in the NYT. I also feel compelled to mention that the line "country in our hearts," near the end, is an alternate lyric in the aforementioned No Retreat, No Surrender, as performed acoustically on the famous Live 1975-1985 compilation. Yeah, I'm from NJ.
The Thong in America's Collective Flipflop
There's a Popeye cartoon where Bluto and Popeye are running for president, and the entire country is tied, and Olive Oyl hasn't voted yet. The nightmare scenario, I guess. Yeah, I thought the story was ludicrous too, until November 2000.
I'm always a little mystified by these undecided voters. Maybe it comes from living in a city where hesitation will get you trampled. Are they the same people who are always in front of me at McDonalds? Did they all double-major in college? Do they worship Loki, the two-faced trickster god?
Luckily these folks are predictable. It's called the Incumbent Rule, and it states that:
Over 80% of the time, most or all of the undecideds voted for the challenger.
So, even in the absense of a considerable bounce, if Kerry can continue polling in a dead heat with George, there's a good chance he'll win. Barring an October surprise, election delays, or loaded voting machines, that is.
Sleep your way to Mars
Three things I love:
- opioids
- squirrels
- sleeping for more than 8 hours
...have really come together in this story from nature.com. Apparently scientists are back on the suspended animation thing. It's been a while; remember Miles the Dog in 1986? (The internet doesn't, as the mid-page blurb here is just about all available on that experiment)
Well this time the approach is more like hibernation than like freezing, which is good news for those of us who get stuffy with the A/C on. They give you (you being a lab rat) a squirrel hibernation hormone called DADLE. If it's a success, the trip to Mars could involve significantly fewer are-we-there-yets. And Woody fans take comfort: considering the political climate surrounding stem cell research, I don't think we have to worry about the Aries project creating a cloned Bush from his nose.
I was lookin' for some action...
Preternaturally Flexible Japanese Convenience Store Clerks: Could they be the Rappin' Grannies of the New Century? I sure hope so, because this video rocks. The song, FYI, is "Late at Night" by Futureshock. And thanks Milk and Cookies and Blort.
Movable type makes wacky neighbor googlier.
I just gotta say, looking at my referer logs. Archiving with html is where it's at. Movable type conversion has made all of wacky neighbor pretty much searchable through a google search, and I'm seeing people hit old entries for really weird topics that I barely remembered.
Now people, I can't do this by myself. For Zeus' sake, please comment already! But please keep them somewhat relevant and no money-grubbing. I'm looking at you, HONORABLE NORMAN SEMBENE.
I am curious (orange)
You know this whole new sudden terror threat thing? Three years old. But they just had to announce it right after the Democratic Convention. Gee, I wonder why? Assholes.
Breaking News: McCain, Schwartzennegger farther to the left than Ted Kennedy
It's all right here for your eyes:
And the sad thing is, whether you choose to view these as stage-left or photo-left, it's no more accurate than that "most liberal" label that the republicans are spewing this week. According to this article in spinsanity:
But the National Journal's rankings were only for roll call votes in 2003 - a fact obscured by many in the press. And because Kerry and Edwards were campaigning for most of the year, their scores were based on substantially fewer votes than those of other senators. A more comprehensive analysis by University of Houston political scientist Keith Poole of all contested roll call votes they cast during the year found that Kerry and Edwards fall near the median among Senate Democrats.
So next time someone tells you that Kerry is more liberal than Ted Kennedy, do one of the following:
- Say "Oh yeah? Fuck you" in a steady and well modulated voice.
- Cite this article and try to get the more nuanced truth in before your mic is cut off.
- Explain that with the current 6-point spread, they're just going to have to get used to the smell of bong water and bean curd. Then laugh like Shaggy.
One Innie to Rule them All
Parents bemoaning the obsolescence of the chastity belt may want to look into these official Lord of the Navel Rings, as nothing goes together better than Tolkein and teenage virginity. Hobbits and similarly unattractive creatures are asked to keep their midriffs covered, as these do not bestow invisibility on the wearer. However, for the as-yet-unpierced and low of hit point, be prepared with a flask of amoxicillin potion.
Via boingboing.
