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God is dead, said Nietzsche. He invented the Ubermensch, the only superhero with a mustache. And so it's fitting that the Ubermensch's postcessor, the Brooklyn/Krypton-born Superman, is also without a daddy. Jor-El, as we all know, died in a gigantic explosion of plasma when Mr. Red Sun decided to eat Krypton.
And with that in mind, it's time for a frank and earnest discussion about rumors that James Caviezel will be cast as Superman.
The article points out the obvious: that they're both from outer space and save people. But the similarities go farther. Consider:
Jesus flies.
- They're both mild-mannered, and in the News business.
- They were both written by a couple of Jewish guys.
- Both have posable action figures.
- They both have a sexual tension thing with a female coworker, that can't be satisfied due to the character's mission on earth.
- They also surround themselves with people who can document their acts (Apostles, Jimmy Olsen)
- They both get killed and brought back to life.
- They both resurrect people.
- Both can fly.
- Both walk on water. We can infer this from the scene where Zod, Ursa and Non walk on water in Superman II -- their powers are derived from the same source.
- The main hippie in Godspell.
- Lucifer / Lex Luthor. Both are bald.
Superman walks on water.
- Does Jesus derive his powers from the yellow sun? Is his molecular density higher than mortals?
- Can superman do the all-you-can-eat seafood trick? And the wine?
- Can Jesus do the charcoal-to-diamond thing?
- If Jesus is placed in the Molecule Chamber, will he start wearing a members-only jacket and eating in bad diners? Likewise, if Superman decides not to martyr himself and shack up with Lois Lane, will Scorcese direct?
On which note, we may point out their parallel filmic lineages: Superman written by Mario Puzo, who also wrote Godfather; Last Temp of C. written by Paul Schrader of Taxi Driver fame. Holy New American Cinema!
Critics will inevitably point out the main difference: Superman has an alter ego, whereas, in a world predating optics, Jesus pretty much goes with the robe and sandals all the time. But consider: the Gnostics, seeing the material world as inherently evil, considered Christ's humanity to be an illusion. Thus, in a neo-Platonic framework, the division between Kent and Superman is immaterial; Kent is an illusion. Only distance from the yellow sun humanizes Superman -- an analog, however crude, to Plotinus' contention that Goodness emanates from the indescribable One at the center of the (Ptolemaic) universe.
Ebionites and secular humanists can seek solace in Batman, who is not the son of Jor-El but rather a mortal man with shark repellant spray and a gut.
