So I just got back from the new Star Wars. I'm not going to say it was good or bad, as only a Sith thinks in absolutes. But here are some extremely unstructured impressions.

The Dark Side:

Awful dialogue.The script should've been cast into lava. And whoever allowed Darth Vader to shout "Noooooo!" should be dispatched by clones.

The acting is worse. Not just Hayden Christensen but also Natalie Portman, who actually dies of a broken heart in the movie.

Then there's some plot holes:

• Wouldn't Darth Vader look for his kids on Tattoine first? You'd think Luke'd be a gonner. Even if he thinks they didn't survive Padme's death, you'd think he'd at least check with Uncle Owen, no?
• And there's still the matter of why Darth doesn't recognize C3PO.
• Also, they're already building the Death Star at the end, which means it took 17 years to finish. The second death star took only from 1977 to 1982. Apparently the empire didn't get around to dissolving the Teamsters until they took over Cloud City.
• In several scenes Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine remind me of Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein.

The Chilling Transformation of Anakin Skywalker

The Light Side:

Motion. It's often said that Lucas can create fantastic special effects but lacks the ability to put together a story or create anything with a big A art. I'd argue that his work is very artful, and very filmic, when he gets to move things. No other filmmaker has ever been able to nauseate with such precision, and the Lucas gang can convey almost any "mood" in a collision, acceleration, or deceleration. Things bounce right, crush right. Dodges are as satisfying as crashes.

There's a basic human joy in speed and intricate physical activity, present in dance and sport, that the effects of Star Wars manage to get across. Kubrick went out of his way to liken space travel with a precision ballet, Modern and utopian. The Star Wars universe is dystopian, postmodern, Jane Jacobs to Kubrick's Le Corbusier. Lucas's spaceships careen and bank as we'd want them to careen and bank, not how Newton would demand. We know intellectually that Obi Wan Kenobi wouldn't survive a 200 foot fall into water, but our caveman mind doesn't know that water is like concrete from that distance, and we're satisfied to see a big splash and know he's ok.

Ian McDermid is fantastic for the first half of the movie, when he's seducing Anakin. He's mastered a world-weary smirk that suggests that evil is just the result of an exhausted conscience. Once the cat's out of the bag and he's electrocuting Sam Jackson, he reminds us that RSC stands for Royal Scenery Chewer.

Production Design. They get the look right as the Republic goes to shit and the universe decides to give vinyl another chance. This movie's got feathered hair. Big switches, blinkenlights, knobs. The spaceships are starting to resemble the first movie's spaceships. It works. Although it seems as though Palpatine had already designed all the costumes for his Empire. Worked for Hitler.

If I could indulge another theory, it's that this movie is biographical. Consider: Showing promise as a young man, Lucas made some moves that led his compatriots (New American Cinema directors Scorcese, DePalma, Coppola and various critics) to question his motives and allegiance. In the meantime he was getting praise and encouragement from an ancient master (Joseph Campbell). Under the tutelage of his new master, he turned against the Council and made a mint while the Council's early eighties projects bombed. Francis Wan Coppola ended up on the planet of Napa making wine and hoping that his young daughter could restore balance to the indie. DePalma is probably in a swamp somewhere.

But this is probably overreading. My girlfriend summed it up best when I asked her to watch the original: "Star Wars is stupid." Sure it's stupid, hon, but spaceships are cool.