As Wacky Neighbor is a largely mercenarial enterprise, I think it'd be a good idea to raise my hit rates. My newest theory on this front? How-to. I figure adding these two words to a bunch of articles, perhaps appended by things that most people want to know how to do, should make me rich beyond the wildest dreams of mammon.

Here are some things that people want to know how to do:

1. How To Get Rich
2. How To Get Thin
3. How To Get Laid

(Note that numbers 1 and 2 largely correlate to number 3)

Unfortunately, consumer sophistication has gotten to the point where you can't just claim these things without an eyebrow being raised. You need plausible specifics. They don't have to work, they just have to get the dedicated follower into placebo country.

For instance:

How to get thin (note the H1 Tag which google just loves):

Now a bulleted list, which makes me sound relatively organized.
• Choose a letter of the alphabet and only eat food that begins with it. A relatively unpopular letter is a good choice here, but don't get cute and go for Q or something, because you'll starve.
• Exercise regularly by duct taping weights to everything you own.
• Live in a cage. Have someone you trust give you exactly 1600 calories of oatmeal per day. Assuming your letter was O.

How to get rich:

• Do something with web 2.0, or Ajax. Blog a folksonomy, or podcast a tag. People like me will link to you and you'll make it rich on contextual advertising.
• Stop hunting and gathering. As your elder's stories suggest, seeds planted in the earth will bear fruit several moons later. With the first rains after the long cold, select from the healthiest specimens of your favorite wild grasses and sow, using the beasts of the wild to turn the earth.
• People do great with businesses. Look into one. I hear Amway's very popular. So is Intel, but they make you buy millions of dollars of fabrication equipment before you can even sell chip one.

How to get laid

• I'm not sure what the breeder's cup is, but you might want to get one.
• Early in the dating process, suggest that you have a big wang. For instance: "Rachmaninoff is very romantic, but my money's always been on Schubert. You get the sense that he had a bigger wang. Maybe almost as big as mine."
• Ladies: show a little ankle! Unless you have fat ankles. They can be reduced by packing them in salt for 24 hours. Unfortunately, this only works after you're dead.
• I'm no queer-eye, but if you have one of those moles that looks like a patch of velcro, you should probably find a dermatologist before braving the dating scene.